Creating My Own Canvas

 

 I do this for myself. I create my own canvas.

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For years I’ve struggled with feeling like I had to choose between two versions of me. Raised on a small farm secluded from the neighborhood kids I developed a strong bond to myself and my family. I learned about who I was from a very young age because I spent a lot of my time alone with my thoughts.

Fast forward to now and I can tell you a piece of me remains that way, however, I crave the stimulation of a buzzing city, art and creativity. I long for diversity and variety in people and places. When I am in the city I miss the farm and solitude and when I am in upstate New York I miss the stimulation. I’m learning how to find that balance and blend my two worlds together.

I love capturing the contrast and really sitting with it. Officially knee deep in my mid-twenties I have learned to love myself even more and found ways to express my creativity and truest nature. I feel that many people in my position are still struggling to find that truth bogged down by the pressures of society. College may have given us the diploma, but where do we go from here? How does the self fit into this new landscape yielding to us? And so I turn to things like photography, writing and fashion to give myself the outlet not provided to me, reestablishing my genuine thoughts, my raw creativity.

Wearing Michael Kors romper, vintage 1980’s belt, H&M boots

 

 

 

 

 

 

Florida Part IV

 Our last day in Florida was honestly one of the most entertaining experiences I’ve ever had. All of us went on a 20 person charter to try our hand at deep sea fishing.  I was so hesitant at first because I was intimidated by going out onto the ocean.  I grew up on boats but only ever went to our local lakes.  Lately in my life, I’ve learned to embrace the thrill of doing things that frighten me a little.

We climbed onto the boat and cruised down the windy channels that brought us out to sea. The skies were heavy and grey, which is actually perfect for fishing. The crew gave us instructions whilst slicing up bait for the chum buckets.  It was shocking in the way that I really wasn’t prepared for what I saw. We each learned how to bait our hooks and drop our lines.  I jumped right in.

Boom. After minutes of having our lines dropped, swaying in the waves a few miles away from the shore we started catching fish! They were bright and colorful, not what I expected at all.  It was a whirlwind to see what we caught. The build up of feeling something grab at your line, then having to reel it in with all your might was exhilarating.

With plenty of help from each other and the crew, our group caught a total of 21 fish.  We released most of them back to the ocean due to size and species restrictions.  Megan caught a puffer fish, which is pretty rare to pull out of the water like that. The crew member sat down and let us take a closer look before releasing him back to the sea.

Tony was one of the crew members, he helped unhook our catch and measure to see if they met the specs.

We got to take home 5 of our fish after they prepped them for us.  We marinated and grilled them for dinner that night, and it was honestly so delicious and fresh. Even if we hadn’t caught anything, and our intention wasn’t to bring something home.  The experience of being out on the water, all of us laughing and squealing with excitement was worth it. I was sad our week was coming to a close, this time away from everything familiar to me helped me expand my mind and learn to love and accept the place i am in in my life.  I could have shared so much more, and I’m sure I will as time goes on, but I hold onto all of the new memories I created, whether or not a camera was present.

Thoughts into Words

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Wearing Guess Denim | Zara Boots | Zara Top | Jacket gifted

Remember what it was to be young and hopeful. Always try to hone that feeling in. In the last few years so much has changed in my adult life. I continue to struggle with what it is exactly I want to do or be as an adult, because my unconventional self cannot fit into the molds provided for me. I see myself surrounded by love and light in my present and my future so how do I live day to day with the struggles of my reality without clouding this beautiful perception? The amount of debt, hours worked and countless odds and ends to fix, address and complete stack up against me. I try to peer through the mist, the vines entangling my imagination of the best life possible for me and the people I love. I get small windows of clarity that keep me going, that remind me and help me recognize and re familiarize the truth within. The truth in this life is to remain compassionate to all, embrace what is life and not the things in it.

Spring

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Spring. I love that word. It represents so many things, my mind buzzes with motion, fresh air, new life, transition, nature reviving itself once again.  Today marks the beginning of spring and luckily mother nature was kind enough to shower us with sunshine and warmer tempuratures.

When a shift in the season is upon me, I feel a shift within myself.  Not only am I considering the changes in my wardrobe and dreaming of floral everything, I am thinking about how I evolve continuously an embrace myself as those changes occur.

We decided to go to the park because we’ve been missing the lifestyle of our hometown in upstate New York. Whenever life seems to get hectic, nature is always the grounding force. In this city life is always hectic, and as time escapes me I have a desire to reconnect not only to myself but to my relationship. I look forward to our next adventures together. As we walked through the park I felt peaceful and calm, yet had this rush of energy running through me. Finally, spring is here.

Wearing Kut from the Kloth jeans | H&M top | Zara scarf 

Athleisure

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Top: Target | Leggings: Express

I love this city. I can feel buzzing energy all around me. Sometimes it makes me feel giddy like I could skip down the street as if I were ten years old again. It’s the kind of energy that sparks my imagination, a muscle not exercised enough by my day to day routine and I miss that portal of my mind. I’m back to work this week and relentlessly trying to figure out a way to balance the things I would like to do with the things I have to do, due to my responsibilities. Going for a walk, even if it’s the short distance between my apartment and the downtown train, brings an open field to my brain and a wider vision to my eyes where I start to think and see and imagine what’s ahead, what’s next and what’s right in front of me. You can walk down the same street every day and see something you haven’t before weather it’s your imagination or architecture you hadn’t recognized before.

On the final day of my staycation I went for a walk in Central Park starting at the very north end. I honestly wanted to make it relatively short just to get some fresh air but was inspired by the landscape and my feet kept going. With the momentum of my body syncing into a rhythm I couldn’t break, I began to think about how amazing this city is, how vast and beautiful it can be. Reminding me that many opportunities are ahead of me because I’ve already come this far.

I was gifted these leggings for Christmas, the whole mesh trend was something I needed to hop onto. When I’m not having to get dressed up I immediately go for something athleisure, I think it’s the equestrian in me because I would live in breeches and athletic tops all year round upstate. It’s comfortable and luckily this look is pretty common so for me to leave the house without actually having to go to a gym is highly acceptable.