Self Love

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When something bothers me it’s hard to get it off my mind. I have to talk about it with the people closest to me.  I enjoy and  value social media in the way that it gives everyone the opportunity to express themselves, the same way I feel about fashion. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate people’s intentions, however.  When you look through the filters and the captions, is the real person behind all of it?

 

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Staying genuine to who I really am is important to me, but I’m sure I could be perceived differently than that because perception is subjective. And being an influencer is also important to me, but the message I want to convey is not be like me, but find yourself and how beautiful it is to be original and unique.  Self love is often the hardest to find, I speak from experience. I see and have seen so many people I love in my life go through the same struggle and it is one that never actually ends.

 

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I love inspiring people. Outside of the cyber world I talk about my clothes, give advice to my loved ones and try to live my best life. I never want that to end, I feel it’s part of my purpose here.

 

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I am wearing Zara shorts, F21 duster and H&M booties

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

90’s Child

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27. That is where I am today. Born in 1991 this dress may possibly be as old as me. I was given the task of helping my mom clean out her closet a few weeks ago and saw this gem. The 90’s were cool but I was a child of many fashion disasters, like those little floral dresses with the weird built-in bibs (anyone know what I’m talking about here?).

My headshot circa 1995

 

Also, I had bangs…with curly hair…I love my parents but why the bangs? They always stuck up like I had horns because my hair curled on the top of my forehead. But I’ve survived all of that and even took the risk this last year of cutting my hair shoulder length and that’s working out too.

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This last year of my life was pretty amazing, I was living in New York City working in fashion wholesale and had a studio apartment in Harlem with my girlfriend. We adopted two kitties from the ASPCA and shared so many memories as a little family.  I’ve said in previous posts (24, Seven Ten) that my birthday is an important day for me. I like to reflect on the changes in myself; my growth, my opportunities and all of the things I have accomplished.  Each year is a milestone to me and learning how to tell people my new age is like writing 2014 on a form at the doctor’s office but hello its now 2018 how could I be lost in time?! Anyway, my goal for this year is to do the things I say I want to do.

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I had six months off from life after I had shoulder surgery. I needed time off of work because the recovery process is long and brutal and that gave me a lot of time to myself, maybe a little too much time. Now I’m back to work and working through life lessons that no one really prepares us for, but our parents warn us about from their own life experiences. The amount of love and support I have received from my loved ones and my friends has been that guiding light for me and now that today is officially six months post-op (I picked January 10th on purpose knowing my freedom date would be my birthday) I can now ride my horse again and do all the fun activities I love to do like a true Upstate New Yorker. This year will be a good year like every other year has been, and I’m also aware that there may be some struggles in my future and I’m ok with that because with every struggle comes a strength.

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Wearing vintage Ulterior Motives dress and Nine West sandals

Something New

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Wearing Free People sweater under BCBGeneration dress with Frye boots

As things change in my life whether they are unexpected or even possibly for the better, it is always a shocking reminder that life is not necessarily in my control.  Having moved back to my dreamy little farm in upstate New York, I do miss the livelihood of the city and the ever changing faces around me. Learning how to embrace change still presents a challenge to me.  I love it don’t get me wrong, I crave it honestly but I still struggle because although I may see into what is changing, I can never truly predict the future.

Since I love change so much I thought I needed a drastic change and got my hair cut.  I used to have bangs when I was a pre-teen and hated them.  Now, at 26 I love myself a lot more and embrace how my body, face and hair have changed over the years. I feel like a new person and I can still kind of see that little girl deep inside learning to love herself too.

Winter here has been so mild it doesn’t actually feel like winter.  Today marks the ten year anniversary of when I brought my horse, Hunter, home.  I remember how snowy and icy it was then and now I’m wearing a thick sweater and tights, barely feeling the elements. I’m not complaining but I do hope it snows before the holidays.

This Morning

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 Wearing Free People denim | Macy’s cold shoulder sweater | K2 beanie

My everyday uniform for as long as I can remember is ripped jeans, a light sweater and vest, rain boots and a beanie. Having grown up on a farm since I was five, I’ve learned to dress in a versitile way and in a way where I didn’t mind getting a little dirty. Whether it’s sunny or rainy a good pair of rain boots, or any boot for that matter, is necessary. 

The last few weeks have gifted the northeast with some really beautiful weather and not to mention the leaves have peaked with vibrant foliage right in my backyard. Each morning I look out as I’m having my coffee and just bask at how picturesque the landscape is, so this morning I decided I would take Hunter out to graze on the lush grass before winter starts to creep in. I love spending time with him as he quietly munches, the wind brushes through the grass and the birds welcome the beginning of the day.  This December will mark 10 years since the day I brought him home. I found him totally by chance, but I knew when I saw him he was meant to come home with me. 

 

A Walk on the Wild Side

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Dress: Free People

This is my time. Time to take risks, make life changing decisions and teeter on the edge of responsibility and spontaneity. I decided I want to move to New York and BOOM I was there. I was terrified and excited but I was there. I got a good job that noticed my hard work and promoted me quickly but still something was missing. And now an amazing opportunity has unveiled itself to me and I have nothing to do but take it. From a young age both of my parents told me to become the person I desired to be, that my dreams are never too big.  One thing that I’ve learned is to take what life gives me and adapt because it just keeps going and not that I could ever be left behind, but I could be left with my own blocks and fears. Being in my twenties has really pushed me to develop myself and to create a world in which I would want to live. What I don’t want is to wake up someday and say ‘I wish I did that.’  I always have faith, and present what it is that I truly want on a day to day basis, and if you haven’t experienced it yet, postivity attracts even more positivity.  And be sure to surround yourself with people who believe in you and support you no matter what.  They are the poeple who don’t think you’re silly if you want to take pictures in a field with your wine glass, they join in.

Thoughts into Words

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Wearing Guess Denim | Zara Boots | Zara Top | Jacket gifted

Remember what it was to be young and hopeful. Always try to hone that feeling in. In the last few years so much has changed in my adult life. I continue to struggle with what it is exactly I want to do or be as an adult, because my unconventional self cannot fit into the molds provided for me. I see myself surrounded by love and light in my present and my future so how do I live day to day with the struggles of my reality without clouding this beautiful perception? The amount of debt, hours worked and countless odds and ends to fix, address and complete stack up against me. I try to peer through the mist, the vines entangling my imagination of the best life possible for me and the people I love. I get small windows of clarity that keep me going, that remind me and help me recognize and re familiarize the truth within. The truth in this life is to remain compassionate to all, embrace what is life and not the things in it.

Spring

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Spring. I love that word. It represents so many things, my mind buzzes with motion, fresh air, new life, transition, nature reviving itself once again.  Today marks the beginning of spring and luckily mother nature was kind enough to shower us with sunshine and warmer tempuratures.

When a shift in the season is upon me, I feel a shift within myself.  Not only am I considering the changes in my wardrobe and dreaming of floral everything, I am thinking about how I evolve continuously an embrace myself as those changes occur.

We decided to go to the park because we’ve been missing the lifestyle of our hometown in upstate New York. Whenever life seems to get hectic, nature is always the grounding force. In this city life is always hectic, and as time escapes me I have a desire to reconnect not only to myself but to my relationship. I look forward to our next adventures together. As we walked through the park I felt peaceful and calm, yet had this rush of energy running through me. Finally, spring is here.

Wearing Kut from the Kloth jeans | H&M top | Zara scarf 

Highs and Lows

Wearing Zara at the Chelsea Piers

Name a dream that you had that came true. I remember when I was 10 I wished for an orange kitten and what do you know, after my 11 birthday me and my sister each got to pick a kitten, dad was mad but who can resist two curly-headed daughters with hopeful tears in their eyes when the hay farmer says he’s got kittens.

I felt like I had a power in me from a young age to get what I desired, if I put my mind to it. I got into the college I had always dreamed of, the most beautiful horse I had ever seen was all mine. One thing for certain is those events did not happen like some fairytale, I worked so hard to get into FIT and had a lot of hardships and turns in the road. And that horse I got? He was dumped at an auction unloved by his previous owner. The moment I met him he was angry and struck the wall when I said hello. We have an amazing connection now, he gave me the world and now I leave him behind on my family farm to grasp another dream, to live in New York City.

I tend to seek water when I’m in need of reflecting on my thoughts. This week has been a week of highs and lows, quite literally.  The weather did that whole let’s change seasons in twenty-four hours thing again. It was 65 degrees and then just like that we snapped back to subzero temperatures. The water is peaceful, vast, ever-changing; like life. The fluidity helps me to understand the drastic changes that can happen in the span of a week, like a promotion at work (I’m so excited) and helping someone find their dog who ran away. Everything in life is relevant to what you seek.

 

 

Enveloped in Ice

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Are we an over saturated culture? Am I just another millennial who doesn’t want to work, or am I rebelling against this “American Dream” that my parents and their parents before them fought for. I see how far they have come, having beautiful children and beautiful homes but they live with a cloud of unhappiness that haunts them even when they feel something good. They go to jobs that are unfulfilling and they won’t leave because of the looming responsibility hung over their heads. What I used to think when I started my first real job out of college was ‘Oh my god why don’t these people go for something better? They have experience and knowledge they’re all fearful.’ Fearful yes, but also trapped, trapped by society’s chains of debt and illusions. Can I just express myself creativley and be happy? How do I step outide of the same situation my parents are in and flourish.  All of us could flourish, I can’t be so nieve to think that there has to be something more than that American dream. I see it. I do understand, however, that I would not be able to escape to the beauty of my family farm upstate if it weren’t for my parents’ hard work and dedication.  I do believe that beause of that I was able to grow into the person I am today. There are instances where they communicate their dreams to me before they became parents, expressing things they thought they would grow up to be, but life does take hold and things change.  When they tell me I can be whoever and whatever I want to be I take it seriously because I want them to be proud of the fact that I’ve taken my life into my own hands to become a truly happy and expressive individual.  I still want many of the same things they gave to me as a child, so I have not totally deserted that American Dream, I just want to do it differently.